remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
