to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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