Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize