By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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