So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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