if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I deserve this hangover.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
