okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
