If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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