They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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