So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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