Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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