You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
