I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
