i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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