he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
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