The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
