oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
