I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
