when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
