if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
