who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize