My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Is it because I queefed?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
