so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
