i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
you're hired as official boob wrangler
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
