Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
