he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
