The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
