i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Randomize
