I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
