I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize