cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
