i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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