I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
