I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
