Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
