don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Randomize
