I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
