I accidentally burped into my bong.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Randomize
