Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
worst night to have a conscience
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
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