hotel room ftw
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
