Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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