I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize