i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
