Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
