I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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