Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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