Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Randomize
