I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
