Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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