At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
