mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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