Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
