either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
