What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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