i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
