There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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