please come you make the beer taste better
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
